no more birfday for me...

so thanks to everyone who helped make my birthday such an awesome time for me and hopefully everyone else. you all rawk my face off. did the habitat thing in the morning. but actually it was just painting at the office because apparently we are the lame ones who got stuck with it. ah well. we still ate free outback for lunch, so no arguments on my part.

the drinking part of the night was killer as well (that's right, i said "killer"). had some shots that were tasty...red headed slut, lemon drop, liquid cocaine, etc. then had some shots that were not so much tasty...CEMENT MIXER (brie), 3 wise men (jameson & michelle), & tequila (lauren & todd). but i will forgive all of you who were attempting to be mean to me because i love you and it was my 21st and i had it coming. so yay for all of you!

i suppose i should put something of substance in this thing, so let me have a mini celebration for senate majority leader frist taking an unprecedented step in the opposite direction of bush. he came out today to support measures being taken to increase stem cell research in general as well as federal funding of the research! he admitted that it is necessary to help find cures/treatment for diseases such as diabetes, parkinsons, cancer, etc. way to go frist! you rawk my face off as well, even though you didn't buy me a shot!

final note, i put a massive picture update on yahoo photos. hope you enjoy!




"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

we have been slighted and no one gives a damn

so while i've been a bit preoccupied lately about the whole birfday thingy doo-hopper, i've neglected to post about something that has been bothering me for the last few days. it's this whole american media thing. who in the hell do we think we are? basically the only news we cover is american news and if we do happen to report on an international issue, it is always shedding light on how this affects us somehow.

case in point: london bombings. i know, i know, it was an act of terrorism, but that doesn't mean it needs to be compared to 9/11. and the fact that al-qaeda made threats to the united states shouldn't be a shocker for anyone...there are people who's lives are dedicated to terrorizing america. yes, it sucks. but get over it already.

now, my real problem has nothing to do with the london bombings, but everything to do with the coverage-or lack thereof-over the largest criminal hearing ever in french history. 62 men and women were sentenced yesterday for a sex ring they ran in angers (a small, poor town). sure, operating a sex ring out of your house is a pretty sick offense; but it is not the real issue. these people actually pimped their 45 children to one another in exchange for money, cigarettes, alcohol, and one time even for a new car tire. the children ranged in age from 6 months to 15 years and the abuse took place between 1999 and 2002. of course, one of the children reported the abuse towards the beginning of it all, but nothing was done.

one of the craziest things about the story is that these adults were largely illiterate and extremely poor and due to differing reasons, the majority of the families were being helped by social services. confusing how something as horrendous as this can get by social service workers, isn't it? but that could be a whole other story in itself.

i looked up cnn and msnbc archives under a slew of different query's to find out how many times someone bothered to report on what should have been a massive story. i found no more than 5 or 6 articles. bullshit! i'm embarrassed for my industry. but don't anybody get too worried if we look at it in perspective; we did get an update on the michael jackson trial virtually every day. you know, like what he was wearing, what celebrity was testifying. those are the truly important facts of life.

on a final note, don't dictators use control of the news outlets to keep their citizens uninformed about what is going on in the world and to trick them into believing whatever it is their regime wants? not to say we are under a dictatorship, but it seems pretty odd to me that we are left in the dark on so many happenings around the world while our government (which we, the people, run through a representative democracy) goes around butting their noses into all of these people's business. not to say that this sex ring has anything to do with america's global policy, but if we don't hear more than a peep about the biggest criminal trial in french history than how can we believe we are hearing everything about iraq, north korea, afghanistan, iran, etc? bottom line: we aren't. and no one seems to care.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

fuck. shit. and balls. screw cars. screw car batteries. screw whatever fucked up my car battery. fuck it all.

stupid attempts at saving money always find ways of getting fucked. it's time that i just realize there is no way i will ever have any significant amount of money in my savings. shit. i'm at the point now in which i don't even have enough to pay the bills. i know i've been saying it is time to be more positive like i used to be, but how am i supposed to see the bright side of things when i literally had JUST enough money to pay my bills. and who knows if there was even enough to pay the goddam $150 oppd bill. i hate money. i quit it. and i quit hanging out. unless you come over here. and if you drive. and if you pay if need be. sound like a good time? i think not. so its been real fun hanging out with you guys for the last few years. peace.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

huh? talk about your problems? why?

what are you supposed to do when you see one of your friendships unraveling, but your friend refuses to address the situation? i was in this position in the past, and i'm still not sure if i dealt with it properly. you see, when i was coming home every weekend from drake, i was getting strong vibes that one of my closest friends wasn't enjoying himself. at first i thought it was just in certain situations, but after awhile i realized that it was basically whenever i was around. so literally every weekend i would ask him if everything was okay and if there was anything he wanted to talk about. never got a word out of him about the problem. then one night it was all laid on the table and i felt 100% betrayed.

whether it was right or not, i took his advice and more than 3 years later he is back to being one of my closest friends. logic would tell me that since everything has worked itself out, i must have approached the situation in an appropriate manner. but what if that was just that one situation or with that one person? what if i do the same thing now and it blows up in my face? i just don't want to make the wrong decision because i fear that a friendship i treasure is on the line.

any suggestions?

it's just so difficult when i try to be proactive about a situation if they continuously refuse to engage in a conversation about it. derek has explained to me that when it comes to him, he just needs a short while to be by himself and he will be over whatever it is that is bothering him, but i'm not sure that everyone is the same way. erg. not a clue.

i s'pose that i'll just go about life as i have and hope that things work themselves out. just had the thought that maybe if being myself is not good enough for someone then maybe the friendship wasn't supposed to last. thinking that way hurts but is it reality? bummer.

i'm in a glass case of emotion! had to end with at least an attempt at optimism. if you are reading this and that didn't make you feel any better, just think about farting noises, they are funny!


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

i fuckin need you more than ever

what a day! woke up around 12:45 because derek's mom called him to say that they had the flu so he doesn't get free dinner. bummer for him. lucky for me, i have a sammich at work! i wasn't gonna get free dinner anyways, but i still have a sammich at work (no andy, its not a chickum sammich). anyways, then we played foosball and i was leading derek in the series 1 game to none and the score of our 2nd game was 4-2. but then i lost. that was lame.

then, we ate lunch (brats on the grill...i cooked). so while we were eating such tasty morsels, we stumbled across the most amazing television programming i've seen in a long while. bravo was re-airing Dan Finnerty & The Dan Band: I Am Woman. it is basically the funniest thing ever and you all missed it even though i tried to get ahold of a bunch of you so you wouldn't miss it so it is all your fault and you are lame. well, it's back on and i think that i will go watch it and prolly post later about how my life is changed due to this amazing concert.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

the good, the bad, and the ugly

there used to be a girl who let things roll off her shoulder, who always tried to stay positive in shady situations, and who never let other people's negativity get to her (maybe never, but almost never at least). i miss being that girl. i'm so scared that some of the crap that i have experienced in the last few years has made me cynical and has pushed me past the point at which i am able to assume the best in people and situations. sometimes i find myself in that old state of mind, but then the littlest thing will knock me right back out of it. how can i get back for good? or, do i even want to go back to that jennie?



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

hotty hot hot...

i keep my jealousy close, cuz it's all mine. and if you say this makes you happy then i'm not the only one lyin...

gonna do the habitat for humanity thing tomorrow. that's good because i would have felt really terrible if all of that bad stuff lauren was talking about would happen to her because i wasn't there. whew. good thing i will be saving the day...in the 100 degree plus weather. yay.

no but seriously, i am super excited to go. it has been so long since i have actually done some volunteer work and i miss the crap out of it. there aren't many things that make me feel better than getting out there and helping people. one of my favorite memories from drake was all of the hours i spent working at "the haven." it was this amazing after school program that was run out of the basement of a church in one of the worst neighborhoods of des moines. right across the street was a school that was at least 3/4 hispanic and very poor. if any of the kids had any positive driving force in their house i would be surprised. but this church set up a completely free after school program for them and students from the surrounding schools helped out. we fed them, played games with them, helped them do their homework, and just talked to them about their lives. there was this one boy, oscar, who you could tell had add or some sort of disorder that made him highly active. but no one in his family or at school gave him the time of day to talk to him. so one day i was on the playground with the 2nd & 3rd graders and we sat on the swings and just talked about what he wanted to do with his life. it was so sad because he told me that he wanted to be a doctor, but he would probably not be able to get a job because his mom and dad couldn't get one. but then i asked him what he liked about doctors and why he wanted to do that and he was just so excited when he talked about it. so from then on i called him dr. oscar. lame, i know. but he was my favorite and i just wanted to be there to support him. i hope someone else took over after i left because i don't think it would take much to get him back to his old self.

anyways, i'm done rambling and i am tired and there are people hanging out and i want to play foosball and i like cheese. yay.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

randoms on the top news

the thing that i understand the least about terrorists/jihadists/extremists is that they are so adamently against the western world and the way we conduct society. sure, everyone has different perspectives on the correct way to live life, but what i see to be the most beautiful thing about our culture is that we generally let everyone do just that...live their life the way they please. we don't condone murder, incest, or certain narcotics; other than that we pretty much do what we want with what we have.

it is just heartwrenching for me to hear about people who despise us and this sort of lifestyle because if they lived here, we would allow them to live just as they do now (except the murderous part). so i know it sounds so simple, but seriously, why can't we all just get along?

on another note, i'm not quite sure how i feel about the whole john roberts nomination thing. in a senate judiciary hearing, he said that roe v. wade should be reversed. but i guess since this nomination seemed possible, he has come out and said that it is the law of the land. that's it. is the connotation of that saying that it cannot be changed or does he believe that although it is the law of the land right now that the law of the land should be changed. the press is complimenting him on that statement, but i think that it does no justice whatsoever to the issue at hand. will he attempt to be the deciding vote in the reversal of one of the most controversial decisions in history? better not. or i'll have to throw a whoopin' down on his ass.

i heard bork (former nominee that was denied) comment on cnn that roe v, wade is actually unconstitutional. not because of what most conservatives argue which is that it is murder or something along those lines. but he argued that the constitution cannot be interpreted to say anything on the topic of women's right to an abortion. there are many topics that can be loosely figured out based on the vague language used in the constitution. but, and i'm no constitution buff, abortion is apparently not one of them. according to bork-who i'm pretty sure believes that abortion is wrong-the decision should be in the hands of the state governments not the federal. interesting, i think. but i guess it is all open to interpretation. i mean, i'm not ever going to have an abortion because personally i am against it, but i am more against the federal government telling me or any other person (man or woman) what to do or not to do with our body-and our future.

sorry for the ranting, but i must admit that i'm a bit concerned that roberts will "tip the scale" and possibly make a monumental faux pas. i joked the other day that rehnquist-a conservative himself-realized what bush was attempting to do by nominating a conservative rather than a moderate to replace o'connor. so although he should probably consider retirement, he is holding out to see if the american people will elect a more moderate or even liberal president/congress in 2008. being such an amazing intellect, hopefully he can see that although his opinion will win more often than not now, it would not be doing the country any justice. not sure if any of that made sense, but i like to think that things will work themselves out.

we'll see.

soccer tonight. andy's birthday saturday. soccer next thursday followed by power hour. my birthday friday. jameson's birthday sunday. alaska the following thursday. family time. no derek. humph.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

oh little round ball how i've missed you so

soccer tomorrow...well technically today. i love it!

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

dare to be happy; dare to confess it

i've resolved to be content today. i know that i have been blessed with such a wonderful life. i have never experienced what it is like to live without. without food. without drink. without love. without anything, really. and yet over the last few years, i have found myself growing more and more discontented with the little, unimportant facets of life. why?

so rather than complaining about the mundane problems i am experiencing such as the extreme heat holding me back from entertainment outdoors or the lack of money in my checking account at the time being, i am going to write about the things that i am blessed with.

as many of you know, i like to bitch about my family, their crazy ways, and how i can't wait to get away from them. however, if i am truly going to be honest with myself, i have to give them credit. they instilled some sort of confidence in me by always being there with more love and support than i have ever deserved. i don't think that i would have the drive to venture out on my own in new york had it not been for them. sure, they are overbearing. but they, more than anyone else, are the ones who made me who i am today.

derek. there are no words to describe the tremendous effect he has had on my life. i use the word love simply because it is the only term i know that even comes close to doing it justice. when we first began our friendship, we used to sit on the phone for hours on end talking about our lives, goals, and dreams. as the story goes, he started to have a crush on me, and every night he would tell me how i was the most amazing girl he had ever met. i've never said it before, but i had never heard anything like that from anyone and it meant more to me than anything, because he was the most amazing guy i had ever met. what i'm about to say sounds corny to most people; i used to agree that it was about the cheesiest line ever. but honestly, derek completes me. i question what will happen in the future, however i know that there is no way that i could ever lead a full life without him. my sister thinks i'm lame because i have plans for my wedding and married life. but now that i know who i am meant to spend the rest of my life with, it is so much easier to imagine such wonderful moments as my wedding day, buying a house together, and having children. my one prayer for all of you is that you find someone who has the ability to make you as happy as derek makes me; someone who can bring a smile to your face just by coming into the room; someone who makes you laugh, everyday; and someone who makes you thankful for every bump in the road you have hit simply because all of your life's experiences-good or bad-are what led the 2 of you together.

courtney. i can honestly say that no one knows me better than she does...even derek. throughout the last 10 years (holy crap i'm old) our friendship has seen some of the best times and some of the worst. i made mistakes and so did she, however the 2 of us seemed to always work it out. i was her outlet during what must have been some of the hardest years of her life; and she was my rock when all i needed was a familiar face to help me get through the toughest period of mine. although we have grown apart in the last year or so due to time and distance, she is someone that i will need for the rest of my life. she keeps me grounded and constantly keeps me thinking about the purpose of life and how i can become a better person. it is courtney's life and the success that i am positive she will find that i give credit with my life. it is lame, but i am still convinced that the purpose of my life was to help get courtney through those dark nights so that she would emerge and help humanity in amazing ways. i feel as though i have done my job and now everything else i get to experience is just extra. i can't wait until the day i get to see her fulfill her potential in life!

todd. i was in the middle of my teenage angst years (as much as i got into it at least) when we first started hanging out. i was low on self-esteem, low on confidence, and low on laughing. i wanted to be cool. i partied with kids who are god knows where now, my friends and i used to ditch act prep class at night to drive around drinking mike's or some other lame drink like that. i used to hang out in the parking lot of the bowling alley drinking out of the trunk of some kid that i vaguely remembered and now knew as some drop out. but then emily and i began hanging out with todd, todd, darrin, and andy. they made us laugh. they showed us that it was okay to have a good time on the weekend without drinking. if someone made fun of us for not going to some party, what did it matter? i can guarantee we had more fun in those days than anyone trying to be cool at some party. todd is the person that he is and that's it. no pretenses, no bullshit. it is the quality i admire most in him. i also admire the way he is able to leave a mark in the lives of virtually anyone he comes across. obviously it was a long-lasting one for me!

zack. our friendship has had some twists and turns, but i have never had a friend that i could talk to the way i talk to you. not necessarily the range or depth of topics, but more along the lines of the way the 2 of us relate to each other. whether it is the way we know so much about each other's sexual escapades or just our feelings on the situations in our lives, i love talking to him. i treasure the memories of when gas was cheap enough to drive around for hours at night talking about life. it is uncanny how similar our thoughts are. i guess it must have been the water in that neighborhood we grew up in.

missy. oh my little mac. out of all my close friends, we have known each other for the shortest period of time. and yet, i feel as though i have been her friend forever. it's not even as though we know everything about each other or anything like that, it is just the level of comfort i have always had when i am around her. she is one of the easiest people to be with-with her amazing smile and beautiful personality. i can't ever stay mad at the girl...she's just too cute!

to everyone else that may read this, i am thankful for all of you as well. i wrote about the first people that came to mind-not the only people that have made an impact in my life. i would like to think that everyone i have ever come into contact with have made an impression on who i am today and i am grateful to them all.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

no work on the morrow!

the whispering pines gang calls todd chitty chitty bang bang. i think that means they are "special" friends. i wish i could be one of his "special" friends. but then who would be lauren's "special" friend? i dunno if she needs one because she lives in ohio. lame.

andy is in kansas. lame. he is dating nadia. we are the same height. that is neat.

i am going running tomorrow. i swear it. 10 am in the morning (mwahaha) i will be at memorial and it will be crazy bootyliciously fun. yay.

i don't get to do habitat for humanity because i am irresponsible. everyone who didn't know i was irresponsible should raise their hand. hold it high! that sucks if your hand is up because that is one of my most obvious traits. again, i apologize lauren. but i will just blame it on the retard receptionist because, well, she sucks.

on another note. i told my family that they fucked me up when i was younger. scenario: my uncle was bitching about how my cousin didn't win the bike decorating contest for the 4th of July and the girl that did win had a shitty looking bike. he was saying all of this in front of my cousin, basically teaching him that if you think you should win, and you don't, then it must have been rigged and you need to complain. lame. it is becoming more and more apparent where i got this damn competitive streak from, isn't it. and my grandma seemed genuinely confused when i said all of this to her. it was as if she had no idea what was wrong with having such a strong desire to win and to succeed. but i'm not sure how my competition she has been involved in her life besides the 1/2 court basketball they played back in the day in iowa. ah well. not a whole ton i can do about it now, eh?

one more thing. i'm in a glass case of emotions! yeah woo!


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

i was in challenge more than derek, mwahaha

does anyone else crave a challenge? something that will push your mind/body/soul to the limit and possibly further? i do. t sucks. there doesn't seem to be much of anything challenging me at this point in my life. not to say that everything is a piece of cake. but lately it just seems as though my mind is on nothing. that's the main thing. a challenge to my mind. i need to think about something more than foosball and where in the hell i am going to be come july and whether or not my leaving will ruin my relationship with derek. there is so much more out there to contemplate and yet none of it comes to my mind. it makes me feel lost sometimes. dammit.

on a lighter note. i love when i find songs that really speak to me and what i am going through in my life. just happened to look through missy's itunes and a black eyed peas song called "gone going" jumped out at me. way to go fergy & co. you rock my face off (© brie).


You see yourself in the mirror
And you feel safe cuz it looks familiar
But you afraid to open up your soul
Cuz you don't really know, don't really know
Who is, the person that's deep within
Cuz you are content with just being the name brand man
And you fail to see that its trivial
Insignificant, you addicted to material
I've seen your kind before
Your the type that thinks souls is sold in a store
Packaged up with inscent sticks
With them vegetarian meals
To you that's righteous
You're fiction like books
You need to go out to life and look...


it's true. i don't think i know myself. i won't allow it because it's true that i am comfortable with the familiar. i'm comfortable knowing that what i have now works. but i know there is somehing missing. i need to get out and find out what it is that is making me continue to grow lonelier and lonelier every day. loneliness is lame, especially when you are surrounded by people who love you-or at least kinda think you're aight. shitters (© nadia)


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

media ethics 101

as a journalist, don't tell your sources that they can remain anonymous. simple as that. why is it that individuals who have been in the industry for such a long time are unable to understand such a juvenile concept? i don't know. i guess it just seems to me that the story will come out if it is meant to-in some shape or form. whether your newspaper, magazine, or newscast has the scoop doesn't seem to be the most important concern to me. don't jeopardize national security. don't jeopardize your freedom and your career for some punk ass who is too chicken to reveal that he-or she-did something that shouldn't have been done. whoever leaked information to judy miller, matthew cooper, and robert novak should have stepped up a long time ago to claim responsibility. whoever you are. you suck ass. way to go judy. robert sucks though; he's a weasel. cooper got lucky. it all sucks donkey balls. poop on it.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

anchorman: brick's genius exposed

"i love book. i love desk." brick tamland (the 'challenged' weatherman)

"brick, are you just looking at things in the room and saying you love them?" ron burgundy

"i love lamp." brick tamland

hecks yeah that conversation is the shit. and even though the reason it is funny is because it illustrates how empty brick's mind is, it actually is kind of metaphorical for love in many people's lives. elaboration as follows...

you know how many discussions regarding religion wind up with the question, "well, if someone was born muslim and was socialized to believe that it was the 'true' religion, would he go to hell if christianity (or hinduism, judaism, etc.) were actually the 'true' religion?" i know that i have heard this asked on countless occasions. and every time, the answer is that they would be much like children or mentally handicap people who were unable to comprehend the truth. so more or less, we are products of our environment. we are who we are because of the society in which we grew up. to wittle it down to the core however, the characteristics of this society (including religion) are often due to geography.

now, i don't want to go any further into this discussion. if i do, there will surely be the mention of an elephant in a dark room and i just don't feel like going there today. so hopefully you will be able to understand the connection i'm trying to make in just a moment.

sometimes i wonder if the primary determination for who we might love is simply geographical location. i mean, i am in love and i know that there is more to it. derek is amazing. he impresses me every day and i can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone other than him. however, i can't help but question what would happen if my mom would have moved us to california like she wanted to at one point in time. would we be together like we are today? would i even know him?

everyone likes to say that it is destiny. and i suppose you can argue that we were placed near each other as part of that destiny. however, do you ever wonder if there is actually a better fit out there? i may never know; if we never cross paths, then i will continue to believe that derek is the best man for me to spend the rest of my life with.

this brings me back to my original point. maybe brick was right. we love what we see. granted, we do not love EVERYTHING we see; but it is impossible to love something we have never been exposed to. and thus, the philosophy of anchorman. diggity hay-oh. sorry.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

advice: stop reading while you are ahead

cried today. a lot. for no reason. assholes. family was okay today. strange.

i have no money. please send me some. then i can buy food. unless you are derek. who thinks i always look fat. but really he doesn't. he was joking. i don't like jokes like that.

i'm burning fall out boy. my sister is burning kelly clarkson. man. i'm lame.

wish my job paid more. and had more hours. it is enjoyable. but hard to pay bills. derek gave me $4. i took it because i am poor. then i slept with him. does that make me a whore? shit.

grandpa gave me $20. said gas was expensive. i agree. poop on gas. i wish you could use urine for gas. i pee a lot. that is neat.

apologies. to all who deserve it. and to all who have read this far. you are lame. me too. we are lame together. crap!

todd is going to be a firefighter. i know it. he doesn't. he has confidence. but not about firefighting. he rocks. derek would be good in human resources. he does well with people. lauren is doing advertising. i wanted to for awhile. bet she is better. i hang out with these 3 too much. make it stop. also jameson. he doesn't work. but he is smart. he rocks my face off. brie said that first. i like it. i take it. mwahahaha. missy said that. shit. not original. lame.

wanted to actually post. wish i had thoughts on something. heads empty. must catch up on z's. will do so now. then work. i like work friends. wish i hung out with them more. they are cool. you all would like them. maybe the 29th. i will be drunk. fun.

bye.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

i can't handle this adult decision-making crap

tomorrow, well technically today, is my stepsister's wedding. i hope everything goes perfectly for her. i'm such a girl, i know, but i just absolutely adore weddings (whether i know the people or not!). you see, a wedding makes me think about my future and my wedding. of course this has always been happy thoughts, at least until the last few months or so.

you see, as most of you already know, i have a dream in my life to live on the east coast. there is something almost mystical about it to me and i honestly can no longer picture myself being happy if i were to spend my years in omaha. don't get me wrong, i think omaha is a great place. it is perfect for raising a family. the one problem with it is that it is not perfect for me and my happiness.

so no big deal, right? wrong! derek desperately wants to stay in omaha...and i desperately want to stay with derek. i can't imagine life without him. so i'm stuck with this predicament in which, when i think of life in new york, i'm swept off in a whirlwind of images and i feel as though i finally will belong somewhere. i finally will be home. but when i think of life with derek, i'm swept off my feet by the love we have for each other and the dream of spending the rest of my life in his arms. that is where i feel most at home. but the 2 images always end up colliding, just as they will in real life. it seems as though i have the option of giving up my dream of living in new york and becoming a success in my industry or staying in omaha and spending my time in the love of my life's arms.

if i were actually given this choice, i know that i would choose to live in omaha with derek. but no matter how happy he is able to make me, there will always be a part of me missing. i hate that i feel this way because i know how it makes derek feel. but it is just so difficult to come to the realization that one of my lifelong dreams could be shattered by another one of my lifelong dreams. i honestly have no idea how long i have had the dream of living in new york. but i can't let myself think of it that way because i know that it would be more of a travesty to give up on love than to give up on a career.

it's just difficult for me right now because i still have the hope that something will happen and derek will change his mind. and so i continue to study, and work, and make all of the preparations for grad school as if all of my dreams will come true. i wonder if it would be less painful to just cope with it all now. that would save me all of the hard work and dedication...and hours daydreaming about the day i will take the #1 market by storm.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

drunk pictures

just started putting pictures up on yahoo! photos. i will put more up in the next few days but now i have to meet derek because i'm 45 minutes late.

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/mpjeno/my_photos

for the time being, you will have to copy and paste the link. my apologies but my computer sucks donkey balls at the moment.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

cheese and macaroni

doctor: "did you do a lot of swimming when you were younger?"
me: "no, i've never really been a strong swimmer. i never did a whole lot of swimming until last year or so."
doctor: "oh, because your shoulders are really broad."
me: "yeah, i know."
my inner thoughts: "thanks for reminding me that i have man shoulders jackass."

well, that really sucked.

yeah, so i put a link to lauren's blog on my blog and she is happy about it. that is neat. i kind of owe her because i asked her if she wanted to go running this past sunday morning. then i didn't sleep well because the boy was drunk and i wanted to take care of him. so i completely spaced it in the morning until i got a voicemail from her asking what happened. i am lame and also a moron. apologies.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

how many licks does it take...

...to get addicted to weed?

i spent a few extra hours at work this evening due to the night's extravagant show one might refer to as the "all-star game." seeing as though the newscast didn't kick off until shortly before 11:00 pm rather than the usual 9:00 pm, i had plenty of time to waste in front of the cnn feed.

while sifting through the seemingly endless list of hurricane dennis and london bombing stories, i stumbled upon what is commonly referred to as a "kicker" about marijuana-flavored lollipops. apparently these have been around for a little while, and now all of these city council officials are attempting to ban them from the stores in their constituency claiming that it is a way to entice children into smoking weed.

while discussing this story with some of my co-workers, another popped into the conversation by agreeing with the city councils. she feels that by allowing children to grow accustomed to and possibly gain an affinity for the taste of the drug, we are simply handing them the keys to an addiction later in life. she seemed to view this candy as some sort of a "gateway drug" for smoking pot. unfortunately for her (because i'm known to be rather vocal), i have an opposite reaction to the story. although i agree that it is normalizing drugs for children, i don't understand where people get off saying that it will increase the likelihood of doing the drug in the future.

it seems to me that if our government is going to crack down on something such as this, they need to seriously take a look at plenty of other activities they have previously condoned. for example, our neighborhoods allow the sale of candy cigarettes. according to my co-worker, these aren't a problem because they are not normalizing the taste of a cigarette to the children. the way i see this, however, is that we are teaching children to walk around with a white stick inserted in the side of their mouths. this is directly socializing them to interpret that smoking is okay and possibly even cool. which to me...is not cool.

i'm not going to continue with other examples because that was my main argument. but seriously, people in power need to get over themselves. thats my point of the day and i'm kinda tired so no more explanation or ramblings. apologies.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

i'll have the me, with a little jen on the side...

do you ever sit and think about the astronomical amount of time each of us spends thinking about ourselves? seeing as though i have never spent a significant amount of time in a foreign country (i was in canada for 3 days when i was 16), i honestly have no clue whether this is a characteristic of all mankind or merely a phenomenon found in the united states/western, materialistic cultures. but either way, there is an enormous number of people who spend the greater part of their lives thinking about themselves.

i don't want to come off as though i am pointing fingers at anyone in particular by saying what i am about to say, because believe me, if anyone is guilty of self-involvement it is me. you see, the main reason i chose to start a new website is because my previous attempts were chock full of me, myself, and i. i'm rather sure that someone could count the number of posts in which i am not fully engaged in myself on one hand. this is something that i am trying to work on within myself.

working in media has opened my eyes to the real travesties that are constantly occurring around the world; and although i am not any sort of activist or philanthropist, i have come to the realization that there are more important things in life to concern myself with rather than why my boyfriend wants to spend saturday night without me. but no matter how much i preach this, i still can't get away from the whole "me" factor. because if i allow myself to be 100% honest, i want to live this way because i know that is what a "good person" is like and i want to be seen as a "good person."

this entire thought process disgusts me because i am at the realization that i am completely self-absorbed. i have my little bubble; i live for myself. it is despicable. but that's me, i guess. and i am trying.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

the weekend at a glance

bitch beer parties with some kick ass kids. swimming in the morning. a drunk ass boyfriend who pukes up a shit ton. rubbing his back while he passes out. but i love him. and i love my life.

i was worried that all of the amazing people i have been close with for all these years would think less of me as i neared my 21st birthday and started drinking. but so far this weekend they have either joined in the festivities or have at least been supportive or okay of it all. i love them. i love them all. isn't life grand?

derek, you are my same height. that is neat.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

golfing? why not for a good cause...

so i know that most of my friends, myself included, don't get too involved in the whole charity/volunteer/philanthropy scene. but coming up later this month, there is a charity golf outing sponsored by the Marissa Ranee Yetts Foundation. all proceeds, i believe, will benefit:

• Leukemia Research at UNMC
• Children's Hospital
• Omaha Lancer Education Foundation
• Transportation Unit of the Shriners

i know that most of us have only been golfing for a short period of time, but if anyone is at all interested in participating, please let me know. dan and rhona have been through so much pain in their lives due to the loss of marissa as well as other circumstances; yet they have found the strength within themselves to turn this heartache into something positive to help the rest of society.

from my work with alpha phi omega, i came to understand that so many people refuse to volunteer their money, resources, or even time to causes such as this because, well, they "have other things to do," or they are "going on vacation" later and need to save money. what they don't understand, however, is that no one knows if your child will be the next victim of leukemia or lymphoma. no one knows if you, yourself, will fall violently ill because of melanoma. heck, half the time people can't even recognize that they are showing symptoms of heart disease.

so i just want to put it out there that all of these diseases should be a concern for everyone. on december 26, 2000, as i found out that marissa had leukemia and i was preparing myself for the image of that beautiful child without hair, i had no idea that at that very moment she was truly battling for her life. no one did. i can't help but think that if there had been enough money to fund more research on leukemia, marissa might be here today.

" no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

why?

the state of the world in which we live:

i get to school and take my final in nonverbal communication. then, as usual i came into the arts & sciences computer lab to waste time before my history of mass comm class starts at 11:00 am. so after messing around a bit on the usuall websites, i happened to come across some information about the bombs that went off in london. so as night falls on england tonight, at least 33 households are going to turn off their lights without everyone home...and an immeasureable number of people will go to sleep knowing that they will never again hear the sound of a loved one's voice or the touch of their skin.

of course its easy for me to sit here in my cushioned chair in front of a computer (1 of about 50 in this lab), in the heartland of a country that **knock on wood** faces no imminent threats of attack. i know that i will more than likely never understand the feeling of hopelessness that comes from living under tyranny and oppression; nor will i experience the utter joy of escaping it to a life of relative freedom. but i do know that i am thankful for everything that i have been blessed with simply for being conceived in this amazing country. however, i also understand that with such great blessings comes great responsibilities.

anyone who truly knows me understands that i might not agree with the actions of my political leaders at all times; and i don't think they expect any of us to do so. but as an american, i do strongly believe that we have an obligation to utilize our resources in an effort to help raise the other nations of the world up to our level in terms of economic wealth and the wealth of freedom. i'm not at all advocating the position that certain cultures are "less than" my culture, so please don't get me wrong. what i'm trying to explain is my view that everyone should be at a level playing field in terms of freedom of opportunities, expression, thought, action, etc.

and that is what our country does, or at least what we attempt to do. and no matter how often i might moan about the differences in opinion i have with our president, it is completely ignorant of anyone to say that what he is doing in the middle east right now is purely for the economic gain of the united states. to digress for a minute, let me say that sure, we're mature enough to admit that there might be some sort of kickback if we ultimately direct the iraqi's to a democratic society, free of these insurgents and set to make it's mark on the world economy. but, i'm sorry, did certain people forget that it is the united states who has lost 90% of the coalition's 1,934 casualties? so what if we gain better access to trade in that region? if everything straightens itself out according to coalition plan, then i, for one, believe that we do deserve some sort of restitution for the lives of our lost men and women.

now to get back to the original intent of my post. the handiwork that occurred today in london has reportedly been claimed by "the secret organization of the al-qaida in europe." in the letter this group posted on an Arab-language website, they rejoice in today's events and praise those who completed the task as "heroic." how can someone actually call these acts of terror heroic when the leaders of the 'group of 8' industrialized nations are sitting approximately 250 miles northwest of them discussing what can be done to find an end to the slaughter, starvation, and rampant spread of aids throughout africa as well as how to address the global problem of climate change. it is absolute hypocrisy and yet there are millions around the world who are celebrating this so-called victory for the people of the middle east.

but the real victor will be discovered come tomorrow. residents of london will wake up and continue mourning over this national tragedy. the men at the G8 summit will roll out of bed with grumbles of the level of heightened security and the hassles this will face them when they return from the meeting. members of al-qaida cells will continue the celebration through the night only to awake with the realization that since the british are'nt going to pull out of the coalition, they will need to focus on the next attack; this means more money spent, more insurgents lives lost, and more time that coalition forces will remain in the region. who would be your vote for the winner of this one?

the answer...
is all of the above. because all of them will wake up. of course there were lives lost in the blasts, however that number does not look to exceed 100-probably not even 50. but in the bustling cities, charming farm towns, and remote villages of africa, the average number of people who will not see tomorrow is in the thousands. in south africa alone, 21.5% of the population is infected with hiv; and as high as that might sound, there are 4 other countries with higher infection rates. this is where the battle must be fought.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

the "it" in the sunroom is stirring

daylight is almost upon this lonely little town, and yet i'm still here at the computer. why i'm not curled up in that warm, cozy bed just 15 feet away will remain a mystery for the time being. but for some reason or another, i have had no desire to go to bed any time before 5 for the last few nights. no real cause for concern there, i suppose. the real issue at hand here, is that i have been waking up around 8 AM still and i haven't had any real desire to take a nap after class. oh well, though. i guess i should just be thankful for the extra time to finish projects, workout, or just be a bum with the group. nah, i'm just kidding...i don't really get anything else finished in my extra time. all i really do is post in stupid blogs or start new ones or try to teach myself html. you know, the important stuff!

need to have a talk with that sister of mine sometime soon. maybe at the wedding next week. sometimes she's the only person who can understand my point of view while calling me on my bullshit at the same time. i guess it probably has something to do with her psychology studies, but i also have come to realize that it's a talent she's developed over a long period of time just through the sheer number of people she deals with on a regular basis. the awesome thing about her is that she always seems to be there for people whenever they need someone. i'm sure she's seen her favorite shirts ruined by the gobs of mascara running down faces and that she's lost countless hours of sleep thanks to middle-of-the-night crises. and yet she wants to do more for people. she wants to reach out and help people that she might not run into in her personal life. i love that in people like her because i know that there is no way i would ever be able to handle that much stress and responsibility. that's ok, though, i'll just play with my tv's so that one day i can make a decent program that highlights the amazing talent and drive of different people like that.

early morning ramblings for the day include: love for all. it is derek's mom's birthday today. he didn't know until yesterday. my jaw hurts pretty bad. can't quite open it 3/4 anymore. damn. open soccer tomorrow will rock my world. but the $5 cover is lame. derek can't go. did i mention it's his mom's birthday. i want to play the game of life. i'm amazing at that. i'm also amazing at golf but only when i sing hawthorne heights to myself. tony taught me that. he is an avid slice-er. i'm tired. sleep. now.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

html = how to make love (sorry i'm a dork)

so, i just got done messing around with the html what not/hoo-haw on this thing. it was pretty addictive. i think that i have spent the last hour, or 2, or something like that on it.

the fun thing about it is that i have no idea what i am doing. so i think that derek has to get on here and then he is going to bed. so i guess i'm going home with missy and then i will more than likely work on this thing some more because i want to make it just right. and i would really like to learn more about how to go about doing it.

so i apologize for the fact that it doesn't look amazing just yet...but don't worry, it will.

love to all. family guy is funny. hippies smell. that is neat.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore"

here is a post because i want to see how stuff works. that is neat.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."