i can't handle this adult decision-making crap

tomorrow, well technically today, is my stepsister's wedding. i hope everything goes perfectly for her. i'm such a girl, i know, but i just absolutely adore weddings (whether i know the people or not!). you see, a wedding makes me think about my future and my wedding. of course this has always been happy thoughts, at least until the last few months or so.

you see, as most of you already know, i have a dream in my life to live on the east coast. there is something almost mystical about it to me and i honestly can no longer picture myself being happy if i were to spend my years in omaha. don't get me wrong, i think omaha is a great place. it is perfect for raising a family. the one problem with it is that it is not perfect for me and my happiness.

so no big deal, right? wrong! derek desperately wants to stay in omaha...and i desperately want to stay with derek. i can't imagine life without him. so i'm stuck with this predicament in which, when i think of life in new york, i'm swept off in a whirlwind of images and i feel as though i finally will belong somewhere. i finally will be home. but when i think of life with derek, i'm swept off my feet by the love we have for each other and the dream of spending the rest of my life in his arms. that is where i feel most at home. but the 2 images always end up colliding, just as they will in real life. it seems as though i have the option of giving up my dream of living in new york and becoming a success in my industry or staying in omaha and spending my time in the love of my life's arms.

if i were actually given this choice, i know that i would choose to live in omaha with derek. but no matter how happy he is able to make me, there will always be a part of me missing. i hate that i feel this way because i know how it makes derek feel. but it is just so difficult to come to the realization that one of my lifelong dreams could be shattered by another one of my lifelong dreams. i honestly have no idea how long i have had the dream of living in new york. but i can't let myself think of it that way because i know that it would be more of a travesty to give up on love than to give up on a career.

it's just difficult for me right now because i still have the hope that something will happen and derek will change his mind. and so i continue to study, and work, and make all of the preparations for grad school as if all of my dreams will come true. i wonder if it would be less painful to just cope with it all now. that would save me all of the hard work and dedication...and hours daydreaming about the day i will take the #1 market by storm.

"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."