Wednesday, July 20

dare to be happy; dare to confess it

i've resolved to be content today. i know that i have been blessed with such a wonderful life. i have never experienced what it is like to live without. without food. without drink. without love. without anything, really. and yet over the last few years, i have found myself growing more and more discontented with the little, unimportant facets of life. why?

so rather than complaining about the mundane problems i am experiencing such as the extreme heat holding me back from entertainment outdoors or the lack of money in my checking account at the time being, i am going to write about the things that i am blessed with.

as many of you know, i like to bitch about my family, their crazy ways, and how i can't wait to get away from them. however, if i am truly going to be honest with myself, i have to give them credit. they instilled some sort of confidence in me by always being there with more love and support than i have ever deserved. i don't think that i would have the drive to venture out on my own in new york had it not been for them. sure, they are overbearing. but they, more than anyone else, are the ones who made me who i am today.

derek. there are no words to describe the tremendous effect he has had on my life. i use the word love simply because it is the only term i know that even comes close to doing it justice. when we first began our friendship, we used to sit on the phone for hours on end talking about our lives, goals, and dreams. as the story goes, he started to have a crush on me, and every night he would tell me how i was the most amazing girl he had ever met. i've never said it before, but i had never heard anything like that from anyone and it meant more to me than anything, because he was the most amazing guy i had ever met. what i'm about to say sounds corny to most people; i used to agree that it was about the cheesiest line ever. but honestly, derek completes me. i question what will happen in the future, however i know that there is no way that i could ever lead a full life without him. my sister thinks i'm lame because i have plans for my wedding and married life. but now that i know who i am meant to spend the rest of my life with, it is so much easier to imagine such wonderful moments as my wedding day, buying a house together, and having children. my one prayer for all of you is that you find someone who has the ability to make you as happy as derek makes me; someone who can bring a smile to your face just by coming into the room; someone who makes you laugh, everyday; and someone who makes you thankful for every bump in the road you have hit simply because all of your life's experiences-good or bad-are what led the 2 of you together.

courtney. i can honestly say that no one knows me better than she does...even derek. throughout the last 10 years (holy crap i'm old) our friendship has seen some of the best times and some of the worst. i made mistakes and so did she, however the 2 of us seemed to always work it out. i was her outlet during what must have been some of the hardest years of her life; and she was my rock when all i needed was a familiar face to help me get through the toughest period of mine. although we have grown apart in the last year or so due to time and distance, she is someone that i will need for the rest of my life. she keeps me grounded and constantly keeps me thinking about the purpose of life and how i can become a better person. it is courtney's life and the success that i am positive she will find that i give credit with my life. it is lame, but i am still convinced that the purpose of my life was to help get courtney through those dark nights so that she would emerge and help humanity in amazing ways. i feel as though i have done my job and now everything else i get to experience is just extra. i can't wait until the day i get to see her fulfill her potential in life!

todd. i was in the middle of my teenage angst years (as much as i got into it at least) when we first started hanging out. i was low on self-esteem, low on confidence, and low on laughing. i wanted to be cool. i partied with kids who are god knows where now, my friends and i used to ditch act prep class at night to drive around drinking mike's or some other lame drink like that. i used to hang out in the parking lot of the bowling alley drinking out of the trunk of some kid that i vaguely remembered and now knew as some drop out. but then emily and i began hanging out with todd, todd, darrin, and andy. they made us laugh. they showed us that it was okay to have a good time on the weekend without drinking. if someone made fun of us for not going to some party, what did it matter? i can guarantee we had more fun in those days than anyone trying to be cool at some party. todd is the person that he is and that's it. no pretenses, no bullshit. it is the quality i admire most in him. i also admire the way he is able to leave a mark in the lives of virtually anyone he comes across. obviously it was a long-lasting one for me!

zack. our friendship has had some twists and turns, but i have never had a friend that i could talk to the way i talk to you. not necessarily the range or depth of topics, but more along the lines of the way the 2 of us relate to each other. whether it is the way we know so much about each other's sexual escapades or just our feelings on the situations in our lives, i love talking to him. i treasure the memories of when gas was cheap enough to drive around for hours at night talking about life. it is uncanny how similar our thoughts are. i guess it must have been the water in that neighborhood we grew up in.

missy. oh my little mac. out of all my close friends, we have known each other for the shortest period of time. and yet, i feel as though i have been her friend forever. it's not even as though we know everything about each other or anything like that, it is just the level of comfort i have always had when i am around her. she is one of the easiest people to be with-with her amazing smile and beautiful personality. i can't ever stay mad at the girl...she's just too cute!

to everyone else that may read this, i am thankful for all of you as well. i wrote about the first people that came to mind-not the only people that have made an impact in my life. i would like to think that everyone i have ever come into contact with have made an impression on who i am today and i am grateful to them all.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

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