darn peer pressure

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
~Name: Jen
~Birthday: 7/29
~Birthplace: the 'ha
~Current Location: the 'ha
~Eye Color: hazel
~Hair Color: brown
~Height: 5'5"ish
~Right Handed or Left Handed: righty
~Your Heritage: American
~The Shoes You Wore Today: doc sandals w/ the ugly flower i don't like anymore
~Your Weakness: an honest smile...that totally includes the eyes
~Your Fears: tornadoes, ritual indian drums, failure, loneliness, remaining poor forever
~Your Perfect Pizza: bbq chicken from minsky's
~Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: get accepted to syracuse's grad program with significant financial aid so i won't have to stress over whether i should go now or later
~Your Most Overused Phrase: either right on or your mom
~Thoughts First Waking Up: why does my side hurt when i take a deep breath? the puppies in my dream were adorable...wish i could go back to them.
~Your Best Physical Feature: derek says my smile.
~Your Bedtime: when i'm tired. could be midnight, could be noon.
~Your Most Missed Memory: the way it was that summer.
~Pepsi or Coke: diet coke with lime
~MacDonalds or Burger King: depends on what i want but usually mcd's
~Single or Group Dates: honestly, i prefer single but it always ends up being group
~Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: luke's right...chai
~Chocolate or Vanilla: am i on my rag or not?
~Cappuccino or Coffee: peppermint mocha frappucino
~Do you Smoke: negatory
~Do you Swear: fuck yeah...but i do want to stop or at least make it less frequent
~Do you Sing: mmhmm
~Do you Shower Daily: only if i didn't shower the day before...actually it depends. but at least 5 times a week. i won't ever go 2 days in a row without a shower. and when i miss one day, i must have taken one the night before, went to work, went to bed, did nothing the whole day and then went to bed. (i must be self-conscious of my smelliness...)
~Have you Been in Love: yep
~Do you want to go to College: been there, done that
~Do you want to get Married: yep
~Do you belive in yourself: when i think about it, no. when i go with the moment, yes.
~Do you get Motion Sickness: no
~Do you think you are Attractive: not particularly
~Are you a Health Freak: negatory
~Do you get along with your Parents: for the most part
~Do you like Thunderstorms: no
~Do you play an Instrument: used to play the violin and the drums. i do play a pretty mean recorder still.
~In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: yes
~In the past month have you Smoked: nope
~In the past month have you been on Drugs: nothing illegal
~In the past month have you gone on a Date: hmmm?
~In the past month have you gone to a Mall: to pick up the klepto mac
~In the past Month have you eaten a box of Oreos: no
~In the past month have you eaten Sushi: not in the last month, i don't think
~In the past month have you been on Stage: karaoke on the cruise
~In the past month have you been Dumped: nada
~In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: negatory
~In the past month have you Stolen Anything: i don't think so. but i might have taken a pen from work or eaten someone's food without asking.
~Ever been Drunk: yea
~Ever been called a Tease: used to. can't remember what that was like anymore.
~Ever been Beaten up: no
~Ever Shoplifted: yep
~How do you want to Die: financially secure so as not to be a burden on my family
~What do you want to be when you Grow Up: happy
~What country would you most like to Visit: anywhere in Europe, but the Czech Republic, Spain, France, Italy, and Greece top my list for different reasons

IN A BOY/GIRL...
~Favourite Eye Color: no preference
~Favourite Hair Color: hair? who needs hair?
~Short or Long Hair: need i repeat myself?
~Height: my height or taller, preferably. not a huge factor, though.
~Weight: healthy and comfortable with yourself.
~Best Clothing Style: doesn't play a role as long as you dress like yourself. but i do think somewhat tighter jeans and collared shirts are nice.
~Number of Drugs I have taken: let's see here...
~Number of CDs I own: don't know anymore
~Number of Piercings: sort of 7 but only 5 are still useable i think.
~Number of Tattoos: 0 for now
~Number of things in my Past I Regret: trying to get out of that sort of perspective on life right now. better to live in the present looking forward to the surprises in your future while remembering the memories of the past including lessons learned.



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

the difficulty of life is that it is so simple

"in the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary."

let yourself believe that happiness can be created from any situation in life. every moment we waste identifying the negative aspects that surround us is another moment lost in which we could appreciate the blessings we've been given. let your guard down. allow yourself to be free. live, laugh, and love in the moment...every moment.

nothing is more worthwhile in life than to love and be loved. express these emotions as you feel them and you have made the first step towards true, honest awareness about the magnificence found in the world around you.



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

WARNING: extreme lame-ity to follow

met my dad for breakfast today. just me and him. whenever it is just the 2 of us, we always seem to bounce our ideas and perceptions of the world around us off of each other. i'll start a conversation about something that has been on my mind, he'll antagonize whether it is just devil's advocate or whether he truly believes what he's saying. then i'll attempt to either add on to what he has said or try to prove my original view through the eyes of someone from the opposition. i absolutely love it.

so throughout the series of conversations regarding the media in america, history of nixon (1960 debate with kennedy, republican wire-tapping/intelligence gathering throughout the 1960's, the outcome of watergate, nixon's successes as a president, etc.), comparisons between iraq & vietnam and why hagel chose to speak out the way he did when he did, america's foreign policy throughout the last century, and who knows what else in the midst, he managed to convey his concern that the citizens of this country never seem to be satisfied. i don't know how much anyone knows about any of the things i listed that we talked about, but the majority of it had to do with someone bitching about someone else's decision/plan of attack or whatever. then, as whatever current issue was solved, the public seemed to grasp ahold of yet another irrational fear or scandal to fill their time complaining about.

dad explained it well when he spoke of a major incident in the 1980's. ever since we decimated hiroshima & nagasaki, the majority (if not entire) of the american population lived day to day with this now irrational fear of a nuclear attack. he said he remembered the drills they performed when he was in school in the 60's and said it was terrifying. as far as they knew, an attack could come at any time. so as history has shown us, the cold war lasted all the way until the gipper himself landed in office (i think for the 2nd term).

after november 9, 1989, the world as my dad had ever known it completely changed. yeah, yeah, he had never before experienced the magic of pop music sensation david hasselhoff, but he also had his first sense of life without fear. now, obviously there were times in which the cold war was the furthest thing from his thoughts. but if someone would have mentioned the russians, that fear would be present. after the wall fell, he said it felt almost as if something was missing in his life. the persistent antagonist. the omnipresent fear of attack. we are seeing the beginning of the same thing today. children born since 9/11 will live their lives in fear of suicide attacks from the arabs until the day we win "the war on terror" which realistically could be never. just as boris and natasha were symbols to the youth of the canniving ways of the russians, so too were the arabs in paris in team america.

now that i've spent way too long backgrounding my initial point, let's continue.

now the threat of war or attack is definitely a dramatic example of this issue; but if we are honest with ourselves, we can all realize that we are always looking for the negative in life. sure, we do look for the positive side of things, but the negative always seems to jump out without much difficulty and seems to stick around in our minds longer than the positive. at least that is my perception. more or less, it is so much easier to complain about a situation than it is to turn it into something good and positive.

there is no way that i could possibly get myself off the hook for engaging in this sort of a thought process. in fact, i think that i might be guilty of it more than most people i know. but i am going to try to change. i know, i know. i've said it so many times before in this journal, but i really want to teach myself to look on the positive side of things. and that's not to say that things won't make me angry or that i will never complain again. i just decided that each night, i would make a list of the positive things that happened to me that day. no listing of the negatives, although it could be used as an attempt to analyze my perceptions towards the world around me. no, i just want to have something tangible that i can look at to remind myself that although i may initially think otherwise, the day was actually worthwhile. amidst the heartache, loneliness, loss, etc. that we are all bound to experience, hopefully this will help me stop taking the good stuff for granted.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

todd stole my pillow and gave it to derek...asshole

had a conversation with some kids at work tonight. this kid, joe, is moving back home because he's doing this apprenticeship program and i guess wants to save up some money by not paying rent or bills or anything. then he said that he'll move back out hopefully within the next couple of months. so i asked him if he would move in with his girlfriend then?

[then we went on a tangent about why he wouldn't move in with her, but that is none of my business to talk about]

so i mentioned how i can't imagine marrying someone without living with them for at least a short while first. i mean, i think that it is important to make sure that the 2 people can live together. so this other girl, jessica, said that makes no sense because marriage is about making a commitment to the person you love and that means cooperating through the stupid arguments that will inevitably come with living together.

i guess i can understand what she's saying, however, i'm not convinced. to me, the commitment of marriage is to love each other, take care of each other, and spend the rest of your lives together. all of that does include learning to live together, but it just seems as though there must already be so much stress involved in the first few months of marriage that wouldn't it be better to be all settled in and comfortable living together before embarking on such a serious, life-altering experience.

i dunno...i used to have the idea that i wouldn't live with my husband before we got married so that it would be a husband/wife thing. something else to look forward to by getting married, you know? but i think that is somewhat of a naive thought...life isn't really meant to be "magical" and like a fairytale. life is real. why should we pretend that we live a storybook life? just hafta be happy with the reality of everything. whatever. i'm tired.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

man, do i have a good book for you!

finished reading all the president's men tonight. there was seriously some crazy-ass shit taking place back in the early '70s and, as they finally found out, most of the '60s. sure, it sucks not necessariliy trusting the judgment of our president. but can you even begin to imagine how terrifying it must have been to unravel the secrets behind the committee for the re-election of the president, all of the president's top aides, countless nixon devotees around the country and even into the rest of the continent, and of course, the president himself. to know that the president himself had knowledge of the assassination of a governor, the possible "firebombing" of a press agency, and the intentional cover-up of the entire situation.

although i must admit that it would have been exciting to be in woodward & bernstein's place or, for that matter, any reporter in the area or even the country. tips are generally continuous throughout most of the investigation, but hardly anyone knew the whole story. each person would lead them to someone else who would lead them to someone else and ultimately they would hit a brick wall. the higher up they got in the chain of command, the more secretive people started to become. and hearing it from the reporters who actually covered it helps illustrate how the administration almost got away with it. had nixon not bugged his office, he probably would not have been prosecuted. at the most, his closest aides would have been described as political martyrs for nixon..willing to go down in flames to keep his name clean.

scary. can't wait to get into the next book on my list. basically its the same story from woodward's perspective, but it also includes the actual details of mark felt/deep throat's life during the times before the watergate break-in, during the investigation, and after everything made it out in the open except woodward's elusive anonymous source. wahoo!


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

the story of luke

left home close to the time i originally planned. this is quite a feat for me considering i normally leave myself 10-15 minutes to get to 46th & farnam for work during the start of evening rush hour. so as i was silently giving myself props on how i would get a spot on the 1-way street on a thursday morning, i noticed the brake lights on the cars in the lanes next to me. of course, i was in the left lane of dodge just about 1/2 way over the interstate and it seemed logical that the wait in the other lanes were due to traffic merging from i-80.

at about the middle of my mini-celebration for choosing the fastest lane, i realized that the car in front of me was now stopping...to a complete standstill...almost to the east side of the bridge. of course that particular moment, glenboy and glow decided to take a caller about traffic. apparently this guy said cars were backed up on the interstate almost to the harrison exit because of whatever was going on with dodge.

so great. no way to take a detour because i was all the way in the left lane of a 4-lane-wide traffic jam; and i couldn't even slowly make my way over because my lane wasn't budging while each of the others at least inched forward every so often. bastards.

luckily, it only took maybe 15 minutes or so to get through 90th, which is where the problem was supposedly located (although i couldn't find a trace of an accident). and while i was waiting, i noticed this amazingly attractive man in a marroon toyota tercel next to me. we totally had eye sex through the open windows of our cars (that's right...open windows...as in no protection/contraception...we were going all out on this one). man, he was good. made all of it seem worthwhile.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

yeah, i'm an a/v geek...

getting back into my production classes reminds me how much i enjoy what i am planning on doing with my life. i do get angry about the things that happen at fox; but i think that's because i'm in the process of learning how to do these people's jobs and it's so frustrating to deal with people who make it more difficult than it should be. and when i say difficult, i mean difficult for everyone else...not for the people who are doing it wrong (or less than right).

ah well...whatcha gon' do, eh?

anyways, anyone who is around the 'ha this semester should make sure to clear wednesday afternoons at 4 so that they can watch "the omaha news." not to say that it is anything super-spectacular, but it should honestly be better produced than last semester. not even necessarily because i am the producer...when i say "produced" i'm also including technical production, pre-production, etc. i dunno. i just have a good feeling. i think there will be 10 reporters (last semester we only had 7 people in the class). hopefully we'll have 2 producers (crossing my fingers that mike shows up). we already have a sports reporter lined up and it's someone i have absolute confidence in. he's actually the guy i replaced at fox! ha. haha. also, i know most of the people in my broadcast journalism class (reporting class) and i'm pretty confident in most of them as well. some great writers and some great photogs. i dunno...i'm just pumped. then, the icing, sprinkles, and candles on top of the cake is that we will have a scripting program sometime this semester!

so sorry for being lame...but i think that this semester is really going to help me put together a decent resume tape (both for editing/reporting and also for producing). also, if mike does show up to produce, i might be able to fennagle (spelling?) my way into the TD chair again during the shows he produces. who knows. i don't. but i can think about it can't i?



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

one more

back at school...possibly for the last first day of school of my life. should i be celebrating? or is it just too damn scary of a thought to be excited at this point in time? i really haven't decided yet.

i'm really trying to stay positive about the whole future thing. i mean, that has never been a problem for me. on the other hand, i have always had a pretty good idea about what that future entailed. now i have no idea....for the most part. i feel as though i have been counting down the minutes until this day, and now that it's here i wish that i could turn back the clock. just a little bit. not to when i was 13 because all the girls wanted to have sex with me then (right miss?). but back to when everything made sense. every aspect of my life was lined up just right so that i was convinced that i was being daring while always staying completely comfortable.

but virtually every moment that has changed my life in some way or meant anything significant to me happened when i wasn't in that comfort zone. i think lauren wrote in one of her posts that she needs change and new surroundings to really challenge her. maybe everything i'm happy with is actually just mediocrity. i mean, what will happen if i challenge myself by getting away from this comfort rut? on the one hand there could be an ending filled with pain and heartache. on the other, i could gain everything i've ever dreamed of.

no decisions yet, we'll just have to play it by ear for now.



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

a surprise for the huskers?

the kansas city star reported thursday that alex gordon has registered for classes in lincoln. apparently the team that almost broke the record for consecutive losses isn't good enough for the #2 draft pick. or is it the other way around? because he claims the reason he isn't signing is because they aren't offering last year's college baseball player of the year a major league contract. who's right on this one?


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

the end is near....my dream is dying

1994. 1995. 1997. no one has the right to even claim to be a husker football fan if they don't know what that is. i'm sure the rest of you would agree. right now zack and i are watching a supposed "classic husker moment" on ketv. no, not the orange or fiesta bowl. not the miracle in missouri. no, it is the 1997 thanksgiving tradition. colorado. gotta tell ya, not seeing why this one is classic, but i'll take it.

it reminded me of that one dream. 72nd and dodge. can you imagine what it must have been like to be in college during the mid-90's. i'm insanely jealous of any husker fan who enrolled in college in the fall of 1994. freshman year: orange bowl. sophomore year: fiesta bowl. junior year: no championship, but they were jinxed by being pre-season #1. senior year: miracle in missouri followed by the orange bowl to end as national champions as the great coach tom osborne left college football. ::sigh::

i was complaining about how this is my last season of college football and if we don't do it this year then my dream will be shattered. not that i don't have faith in the magical workings of husker football, but the odds do seem to be against us. the next dream will be hanging out in syracuse...finding an intersection nearby that just so happens to be called 72nd and dodge...and partying solo in the streets after the huskers become the national champions of the 2006 college football season. hey, a girl can dream can't she?

all i have to say, is that fall is the best season of the year. i am going to be pumped for husker baseball as well, but nothing compares to husker football season. nothing.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

ramblings

just got back from soccer. apparently 3 weeks without playing knocked be back a couple of pegs. did okay stamina-wise, though. guess i can't complain about that, huh? after that debacle i'm all geared up to start working out at somewhat consistent intervals again. read somewhere that if you workout 7 days a week, even if it is less than an hour each day, your body will start to take it negatively. don't know how else to put it...the article used a little smarter words than that. so i'm aiming for 5 days for anywhere from 1/2 hour to 1 hour depending on how busy i am. not anything spectacular, but a start i guess.

apparently my piano bar cherry is about to pop tonight. half of me wants to go. the other half wants to just be a bum because i'm tired from soccer. i'll definitely go if the boy agrees to come when he gets off work. i'll prolly go anyways, but i'm just not 100% yet. i mean, i know it will be fun and everything. but i'm tired.

oh yeah, just got this month's oppd bill. it's over $177! i'm calling tracy first thing tomorrow to get this figured out. i don't think my mom's house ever cost that much for oppd! rargh!


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

take me away

have you ever had one of "those nights" with the person you love? the ones where you stay up all night, making each other laugh and talking about anything and everything that comes to mind? we used to. all the time. i was dating chad, but as night fell, the only person i ever wanted to talk to was derek. back then we would spend hours on the phone talking about memories from our pasts, how much we were enjoying the present, and what we looked forward to in the future. i had never felt so comfortable talking to anyone about my inner thoughts.

last night was another one of those nights...at least for me. sometimes i wish that we would have long drawn out conversations more often. i love discussing politics, philosophy, history, and of course the news. but he doesn't. and that seemed to bother me. every so often i would find myself wondering if i could spend the rest of my life with someone who didn't feel the same way i did. not to say that i need someone to always agree with me politically or anything; it was more that i put a lot of emphasis on deep, thought provoking debates and discussions. and that is something that doesn't necessarily interest him.

but without knowing it, derek was able to re-open my eyes to reality. as much as i want to discuss my veiws on abortion, the separation of church and state, or us foreign policy, none of that compares to a simple night relaxing in the arms of the most amazing person i have ever met talking about the day-to-day events of our lives. the things we talked about were not life-altering or anything that really even matters at all. and for some reason, that doesn't matter one tiny bit.

he makes me laugh. he makes me cry. he makes me think. he makes me happier than i have ever been before. i'd never experienced love before i met derek. and god dammit it is painful. nothing has ever hurt more. but if the pain and the absolute confusion is the consequences that come with it, then keep it coming. because i never want to return to life without it. and i know that the next few years will test our relationship more than i can even imagine. but i also know that as it all comes to an end, the one thing that is an absolute in my life is derek.



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

unaffected

there never seems to be, because what i believe
a moment i'm not trying, to show them who i am.
why can't they understand, the things that they're denying?

they're denying....

so what should i do? just lay next to you
as though i'm unaffected? and who should i be
when they're judging me as though i'm unaffected?

a chance they'd never give, to ever want to live
the life that i am made of.
there's nothing left to prove, my hearts forever true.
what is it they're afraid of?

afraid of...

so what should i do? just lay next to you
as though i'm unaffected? and who should i be
when they're judging me as though i'm unaffected?

before they even saw my face, they knew that i was not the same
and decided i was not the one for you.

for you...

so what should i do? i'm not unaffected.
and who should i be? i'm not unaffected.
so what should i do? just lay next to you
as though i'm unaffected? and who should i be
when they're judging me as though i'm unaffected?

unaffected...


thanks to hoobastank, i now have something i can listen to when, at the end of the day, i'm completely exhausted frome pretending to be someone that i'm not. so many people have so many expectations for me and i don't want to let anyone down. instead i put on a smile and do the act they're expecting to see from me.

and i'm pretty sure they know that it's just an act; however they still want me to continue with the charade. it makes them comfortable. should that matter? i really don't know. will there ever come a day that i put my foot down and force them to accept the real me? i really don't know. honestly, i don't even know if i have ever forced myself to accept the real me. do i even know who that is?

no worries, though. more than likely the next time anyone whom this refers to sees me they will see the person they expect to see. it's just easier that way. it's easier for me to be the one who is "not unaffected" by everything. i know that i can take it. can they?



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

kookookatchoo

back in omaha. is that a good thing or a bad thing? just kidding. it is good for the most part. i missed all the normals while i was away.

too bad the summer is almost over. lauren leaves this week and brie leaves next week. andy and nadia already left. school starts monday for those of us a la uno and thursday for creightonians. back to the books. back to busy schedules. back to reality.

on the surface it seems like a bummer to end this great summer. honestly, i would say that it is the closest thing to that first summer that i have experienced. not a ton of drama. lots of amazing times with fantastic people. tons of laughs. but when i think a little deeper about it, i realize that maybe it isn't such a bad thing for it to be over. we have our futures to look forward to and all of the memories to keep us company as we make our way through any tough times. rather than crying about the end of a great summer, we should be thankful for getting the chance to experience it.

along these same lines, i have decided to take my gre and apply to grad school at syracuse. i know what is in store for me if everything works out as well as what i may be risking by doing this. but how can i go through life knowing that i took the safe way? the easy way? if i take a leap of faith and fall flat on my face, at least i tried. if one day i attain everything i desire in a career and then i am forced to give it all up, at least i did it; even if it only lasts one day.

i dunno. i'm rambling now. but for some reason everything just seems so clear to me. why wouldn't i do everything in my power to achieve all of my lifelong dreams? why should i wallow in the present about something i may honestly have no control over in the future? how in the hell did i get on this topic when i began my post with complaining about the end of the summer? why am i still writing this? what in the hell do you people see in me that makes you want to keep me around?

rarrgh!



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

alaska rawks my face off (mostly)

rargh! so close to my family time quota...about to burst! need normal people like all of you.

there is so much to write about and i honestly don't know where to begin. the fact that this was my 1st cruise leads the way into so many stories about simply what we did on the ship. here's a general roundup of the high points of my trip thus far:

vancouver: kick ass city. kinda like chicago when you get downtown so i felt really comfortable. went to stanley park (commemorated for the guy the stanley cup is named after). saw some animals there. pretty aight. boarded the cruise the next morning. my family is crazy. many episodes occurred in this wonderful town.

ketchikan: whiskey cove kayak excursion. kayaked across a canal (over 500 feet deep) to gold creek where the brothels used to kick it. negatory on the prostitutes nowadays, though. lame. had fun with the cute guide. good workout as well. then shopping. almost bought the boy a fox head underwear (not a thong this time). but it cost too much.

skagway: lame little town. started off the day with a bus tour over white pass. old mining route. scenery was pretty but no amimals. stood on the border of canada and america. snapped some pics. shopping followed. then rock climbing. took us on the same tour as the bus tour...ah well. climbed a 70 foot rock wall a couple of times. rappelled it once. had a mean guide. seriously made me cry. asshole.

juneau: family day! not too bad surprisingly. took about a 20 minute helicoptor ride over a salmon creek, rolling mountains, about a dozen glaciers. insane! landed on one glacier. took a "2 mile" dog sled ride. got to pet the dogs (otter is my favorite!). flew back. bummer it had to end. it was the time of my life! did a little shopping. then gold creek salmon bake. okay food but awesome scenery. watched salmon swim upstream to spawn and die. took pics of a gorgeous waterfall. yay for nature!

*later that night i won $174 playing bingo on the ship! yeah me!

hoonah/icy straits: atv excursion into the mountains. went over something like 20 miles of old logging road up the mountain overlooking the bay. saw fresh bear droppings but negatory on the bears. lame. looked for shells along the beach. found a baby crab. named him herbert. had to leave him b/c i would have killed him prolly. i miss him so. love ya herby!

think i gained about 20 pounds (realistically at least 5). had free drinks. lots of tasty food. sounds like a good time but i feel like i will need to be rolled off the plane. fatty. have some awesome pictures for all to see! can't wait to return to normalville in which ignorance is not rewarded over intelligence simply because it causes less drama. see you around 1ish sunday afternoon!



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

booky book book

went to borders with missy tonight. spent too much money on books but at least it was on something that will challenge my mind a bit. i've been missing out on that lately. my new books are: on bullshit, all the president's men, the secret man: the story of watergate's deep throat, and poetry daily. i've read almost all of the 1st which is about how people bullshit, why they bullshit, and an in depth study on the theories behind it all. it's only like 67 pages and its a fairly quick read. it starts out:

"one of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit. everyone knows this. each of us contributes his share." it's pretty darn interesting i must say; prolly will page through it a couple more times before the trip is over.

now the poem of the day from poetry daily...it is actually the reason why i bought the book. once the book itself grabbed my eye in the store, i decided to read today's poem to help decide if i should spend the extra money. here goes...

when we say i
miss you what
we mean is i'm
filled with

dread. at night
alone going
to bed is
like lying down

in a wave. total
absence of light.
swept away to
gone.

missy had a good laught at my expense because obviously the reason it spoke to me was because derek just left this morning and i don't like being without him. but whatever. i can get over that. she keeps saying in her best imitation of me, "i miss you derek. i love you derek." but you know what? i do miss him and i do love him so it really doesn't bother me all that much. i say meh.

anyways, i'll have a report on the start of all the president's men whenever i post next because i have a feeling it will be a nice read for the plane. to those i haven't seen...i will miss you but i can't wait until i get back so that i can see you all again!


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

t minus 2 hours til drop off at the airport...

people are going on their vacations now-and by people i mean derek, todd, andy, jameson, and nadia. is this a good thing or a bad thing? who knows. some things about some people bother me. other things about people i like a lot. usually i say nothing either way. whatever, i guess. maybe it is a good thing that i am getting away with the crazy family for a week and a half.

once i get back it'll almost be time for school which means people leave and the rest of us get back to regular old life. i dunno but tonight really makes me thankful that i am about to graduate and hopefully get accepted to syracuse and get away for awhile. there are other nights that i dread the fact that i'm programmed to get away from here...but i repeat, not tonight. people seriously annoy me. not all of you, just some. okay just one. aaaaaaaaarg!



"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

wha?

how do you spell the noise it makes when you stick your tongue out and blow? wanted to write that so many times but can't spell it. diggity dizzam. time to clean.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

confusions too often

frustrations. why? the horoscope today said that i was supposed to stay away from everything tonight. i think the exact words were to hide or something along those lines. prolly right...but will i listen? aw hells no.

what am i working towards? that is something i need to get figured out here real quick. for so long it has been to finish school--whether it was high school or college or even just the semester. but now that it is so close to being finished i don't know what it is i am headed towards. i mean, i have been discussing the whole grad school thing, but is that desirable only because it gives me another year and a half of putting off "real life?" plus there are all of the questions that come along with it.

sometimes i wonder if anyone truly knows me anymore. i mean, of course derek knows what i am going to do and when i am going to do it. but does he know why? sometimes i'm not sure. i know that a lot of my frustrations have come from the fact that i feel lonely when i am surrounded by all of these people who care about me; maybe i subconsciously knew that i needed someone to talk to who understood what i was saying when i wasn't really saying anything. confusing, i know. but if anyone has ever had a friendship like that then they will understand. mainly i think it is a girl thing.

the reason i bring this up is because i was reading lauren's blogger and she was thanking cait for being there and knowing how to make her feel better. hard to actually admit, but it made me super jealous. i mean, i love the relationships that i have with all of my friends. but i see that pretty much every one of you have someone who thinks just like you, who truly understands you. maybe i am being too much of a negative nancy, but i dunno if i have such similarities with anyone anymore...? apologies for bitching. just a little low today.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

drink list

decided that it would be smart of me to write my list of 21 drinks from my birthday on here because i don't want to lose my list. lame, i know...but whatever!

1. Frozen Southern Hurricane ::from zack::
2. Jolly Rancher ::from derek::
3. Jolly Rancher ::from missy::
4. Caramel Candy ::from andy::
5. Midori Sour ::from todd::
6. Kahlua & Cream (we think-some sort of birthday shot) ::from icehouse::
7. Amaretto Sour ::from derek::
8. Tequila ::from lauren & todd::
9. Blowjob ::from kendahl::
10. Red Headed Slut ::from brie::
11. Lemondrop ::from christy & matt::
12. Jager ::from kendahl::
13. Chocolate Cake ::from zack::
14. 3 Wise Men ::from michelle & jameson::
15. Cement Mixer ::from brie::
16. Liquid Cocaine ::from hove::
17. Chocolate Cake ::from kristi::
18. Fruity Pebble ::from greg::
19. Buttery Nipple ::from adam::
20. Kamikaze ::from adam::
21. Liquid Cocaine ::from kristi::

muchos gracias to all except brie when she bought me a cement mixer, todd & lauren when they bought me the tequila, and michelle & jameson when they bought me the 3 wise men. but it all got me drunk nonetheless so...meh.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."

sober monday

one thing to add after my 21st birthday weekend....JAMESON PUKED! i win! even though it wasn't a competition. but i still won.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."