confusions too often

frustrations. why? the horoscope today said that i was supposed to stay away from everything tonight. i think the exact words were to hide or something along those lines. prolly right...but will i listen? aw hells no.

what am i working towards? that is something i need to get figured out here real quick. for so long it has been to finish school--whether it was high school or college or even just the semester. but now that it is so close to being finished i don't know what it is i am headed towards. i mean, i have been discussing the whole grad school thing, but is that desirable only because it gives me another year and a half of putting off "real life?" plus there are all of the questions that come along with it.

sometimes i wonder if anyone truly knows me anymore. i mean, of course derek knows what i am going to do and when i am going to do it. but does he know why? sometimes i'm not sure. i know that a lot of my frustrations have come from the fact that i feel lonely when i am surrounded by all of these people who care about me; maybe i subconsciously knew that i needed someone to talk to who understood what i was saying when i wasn't really saying anything. confusing, i know. but if anyone has ever had a friendship like that then they will understand. mainly i think it is a girl thing.

the reason i bring this up is because i was reading lauren's blogger and she was thanking cait for being there and knowing how to make her feel better. hard to actually admit, but it made me super jealous. i mean, i love the relationships that i have with all of my friends. but i see that pretty much every one of you have someone who thinks just like you, who truly understands you. maybe i am being too much of a negative nancy, but i dunno if i have such similarities with anyone anymore...? apologies for bitching. just a little low today.


"no i won't cry on the outside, anymore."